Today is the Wednesday before Thanksgiving 2019. Yesterday and the day before, my family spent celebrating birthdays for our two little boys...Great Wolf Lodge is a really fun place and features a water slide that will seriously be a thrill to even the grizzliest of men...think of being sucked up in a tornado in utter darkness and you'll get the picture. I honestly don't know who had more fun...me or the kids? As I sit behind this desk today though, I must confess that for some reason, I am a tad melancholy.
I have more than enough to consider myself a blessed man. For a good portion of the world's standards, I am incredibly wealthy. I have a relatively healthy family, though I wouldn't mind a prayer or two for a particular health concern. I have a new home, two relatively new cars, two rambunctious little boys that love playing outside with me. A wonderful wife that works hard and sacrifices much for our family. A church that really loves me and my little family and does things all of the time to affirm me and my ministry. JUST SO MUCH!
Yet I am drained a little. No worries...I've been here before...and much farther than here. I have learned from the great teacher of experience that things can get much, much worse.
There are things that I want to see God do in my life. Things I want to witness him do in my family. Things I want to experience him accomplish in the church that he has been so gracious to let me lead. Things that he just doesn't seem to be doing right now. I have been a Christ follower for most of my life which means that I have seen God come through in literally every single situation for years now. As a pastor, sometimes I feel like showing any sign of weakness would be to the detriment of those who are under my care. I feel like I have to hide behind a mask of unshakeable faith. But the truth is...I don't. I am a human being with real and sometimes raw emotions. I know that God is there. I know he will accomplish his purpose in his timing...I know these things just as much as I know that I am sitting here typing this right now. I suppose the struggle is the waiting.
I have been in ministry now for more than ten years. I have had the privilege of ministering in wonderful settings and in some not so wonderful ones. I have experienced abundance...and drought. Right now, I am in the best place in my life, ministry-wise. Again, the church I pastor is exceptionally gracious to me and my family. The people here are absolutely amazing and I love them with my whole heart. I find though, that I want more for them. I want God to open up doors of bountiful blessing to them. I want them to experience God in a way like they never have before. I want God to use this church as a light in a dark world. Make no mistake, God IS at work here and he will accomplish these things. Sometimes, I guess in my fragile human state, I wonder if he will have to do these things in spite of me. And then I realize that YES, YES he will have to do these things entirely in spite of me. My righteousness is equivalent to the rag that you used to clean the toilet because everyone is coming over tomorrow to eat Turkey and you don't want to be embarrassed by a nasty bathroom...yep that's me!
When I look in the mirror, I sometimes do not like what I see. You are a pastor dude, get it together...you know better! I don't like that I see someone who struggles. I don't always like the father I see in that mirror. More often than not, I certainly do not like the husband I see. I really don't even care for my physical appearance a whole lot. Being overweight and bald in your thirties will do that for ya. The mirror shows me a man who has been broken because of his own sin...a man made inadequate for all of the many tasks set before him.
But GOD...!!!
The terrible truth is that I am not a great husband, father, son, brother, or pastor. I AM NOT. But my identity is in Christ. Where I have inadequacies, Christ is wholly adequate. Where I fail, Christ succeeds. Where I lose, Jesus gets the W. All of the things that I wish were true...about me, about my family, about my ministry...are things that I have set my mind on as measures of success. I have been lost in my subjectivity. I have looked for success outside of my standing in Christ. He is the absolute truth. He is the objective standard for success. Look, I know that this may be a dangerous post to write...it may cause me some difficulty...but that's okay because Jesus proclaimed that I am more than a conqueror. Writing this has already made me search introspectively and find the peace that God promised would pass all of my understanding. My aim here is not to throw some sort of juvenile, attention-seeking, pity party. My aim is to be transparent. To be real. And to lead others to a REAL God who gives abundant joy even in the darkest nights of the soul.
After trekking all over Great Wolf Lodge, Bass Pro Shops, and a couple of race team headquarters (NASCAR is the best sport outside of college football...fight me!), I was exhausted yesterday. I wanted to kick my feet up and relax a little. I probably kick back and relax a little too much on a regular basis...truth be told and it makes me unhealthy. I have to intentionally work on my posture. Sometimes you just have to stand up straight and stretch out a little. Gratitude is a little like that. It is a posture that sometimes isn't the most natural or even comfortable. Sometimes we just kinda wanna kick back, relax, and wallow in our own mire.
So tomorrow, I will sit at two different tables. I will eat two different Thanksgiving meals with two different sides of my family. And I will be thankful. I will remember that God has me exactly where he wants me to be right now. That doesn't mean that he doesn't want to grow me and stretch me. It certainly doesn't mean that he is done with me or that I have "arrived"...far from it. But God knows who I am and he intimately knows my future. And just like my past, he has never failed me and he won't fail me in my future. So I will rest. I'll enjoy my family. I'll enjoy the food. I'll enjoy the parades. I'll enjoy the football. I'll enjoy knowing that my identity is in Christ alone. I'll enjoy knowing that HE was, is, and ever will be ENOUGH. .
"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8
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